An open letter

Dear white collar workers of America (more specifically, of my office),

We're not here to make new BFFs.  It certainly helps that we all get along, of course:  after the Mean Girls-esque office I just left, I'm telling you God's honest truth when I say that I appreciate your humor and good nature more than the average bear.  

We don't all have to be sleepover friends who will braid each other's hair and stay up late prank-calling the boys we like. We do, however, need to respect each other's space, and that's what drives me to write this letter. 

I'm glad you feel you can come in to visit while you're on maternity leave.  Who doesn't love to see a brand new little munchkin (if only to renew her gratitude for her currently child-free lifestyle)?  You look fabulous, by the way, and who wouldn't?  Three months away from the office would do anyone a bit of good. 

A lot has changed in your absence; most notably, the renovations are complete and we've moved into our new space, affectionately known as the cube farm.  Bear in mind, please, that although our new walls stop about four feet short of the ceiling, our cubicles are still our offices.  And while you are on a break from your responsibilities here, the rest of us are not... plus, some of us are picking up your slack.  

When you gather with a group at my cube wall for a loud, lengthy conversation about the baby's sleeping habits and eating habits and how your husband tries God bless him ha ha ha, you are not magically made invisible by the metal and plywood between us.  You are less than three feet away from me; I can see you, and moreover, I can hear you, and so can the person on my phone who actually stopped midsentence to ask "...is that a baby crying?  Where are you?"

The bottom line is that while your little guy is certainly darling and yes, you are fortunate to have a healthy, happy child... not everyone is as fascinated by him as you are.  Congratulations again on the baby; now please go home and enjoy the rest of your leave. 

Sincerely,

Rach

An aside to any potentially offended readers:  yes, I know that maternity leave is not "vacation."  Being a mom is a bigger job than anything I'm doing here, and can be more thankless as well... but if your home is your office, you don't see me bringing files into the baby's nursery to return phone calls and hold open office hours...

The proverbial other shoe

Look at me, all over the shoe theme!

Today's post:  the exciting (?) conclusion of my list of 25 Things You Must Commit To Memory. 

14.  I will not work on my birthday.  Ever.  I think I got used to having the day off for it when I was in school, and then when my career took me back into education, it just stuck.  I started my new job a couple months ago and one of the first things I did was to stake out that day on the vacation calendar.

15.  I.  Love.  Sandwiches.

 "What is Joey's favorite food?"

"Sandwiches!"

Ross & Monica (David Schwimmer & Courteney Cox), Friends, "The One with the Embryos"

I love 'em.  A BLT is damn near a perfect food.  My panini press is my favorite kitchen appliance.  I'm also a big fan of creating my own combos.  Creamy peanut butter pairs surprisingly well with some weird stuff... crisp dill pickle chips; salty, smoky crumbled bacon; extra sharp cheddar cheese.  Yeah, I know:  it sounds gross and makes you wonder if I'm pregnant, but it's not and I'm not!

16.  Speaking of NOT KNOCKED UP I SWEAR, I don't have the baby fever just yet, buuuuuuut... I'm fairly certain I'm going to be a kickass mom.  I'm one of those people who genuinely enjoys being around her family and I'm excited to pass that along.  The best part (J please stop reading for a sec) is that J is the same way; his two brothers are his best friends and all three of them are fiercely protective of their little sister... so it's like I already know he'd be good at it too.  (OK J, safe to start reading again.  Thanks love!) 

17.  The reason I don't have the baby fever is that I enjoy being the combination superhero/bad influence far too much for now!  Exhibit A:  I may or may not have bought a drum set for a five year-old once.  Just saying.

They were Spider-Man drums, which made them even MORE badass.  

If a five year-old could say badass without getting scolded.

18.  I read a lot.  A LOT.  At last count I had more than 175 books.  (It was super fun to move them to the new place.)  I dated a guy in college who finally stopped going to bookstores with me because "we walk in and [my] eyes glaze over and [I] stop paying attention to [him]."  My shelves hold classics, chick lit, historical fiction, memoirs... the occasional guide to "bettering yourself"... and they're all embossed with my "from the library of" seal. 

19.  Speaking of that name embosser:  I love my middle name.  I am very particular about how it's spelled; my way is lovely and classic and the other is not.  Get it right.

20.  I almost got married once.  Like, "two weeks to the Big Day" almost.  Not going through with it was, at once, the scariest and bravest decision I've had to make in my entire life.  He's a good guy... just not the good guy for me.

21.  That little factoid is what I meant when I wrote in the first half of this list that it's nice to start fresh.  Yes, it was a big deal once upon a time, but now it's just something that happened.

22.  Runaway Bride is one of my all-time favorite movies.  *SIGH*  OK, peanut gallery, knock yourselves out.

23.  I went to an all-girls high school.  AND I LOVED IT.  We made t-shirts that said "Panther Football:  Undefeated Since 1923!!"  We didn't bother with daily make-up and ponytails were the de facto hairstyle.  More than that, though, we were immersed in an environment where women held the leadership roles.  We could ask questions without worrying what some boy would think; we were encouraged to push ourselves and stretch past the status quo.  When I got to college, not only was I incredibly well-prepared for the academics, but also, I realized that I was equipped to hold my own in any social setting... which is more than I could say for some girls, used to deferring to guys.  I know the Elms is largely responsible for my savage independent streak!

24.  Sure, it was all girls during the school day... but that didn't stop me from going to four different senior proms, at four different schools, with four different dates.  HEY-OHHHH!

25.  Live theater brings me to tears every time.  I've seen The Phantom of the Opera, RENT, Wicked, Les Miserables, The Lion King, Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat... and the list of shows to see is growing as quickly as I can cross them off!

Phew.  So there you have it.  Hope you enjoyed Volume Two!

I'm gonna need a bigger Easy Bake Oven.

"I'm gonna be the mom that makes the world's best chocolate chip cookies!"

"Our kids are gonna be fat, aren't they."

Monica & Chandler (Courteney Cox & Matthew Perry), Friends, "The One With Phoebe's Cookies"

All right.  I will be the first to admit that this is ridiculous and a completely selfish and irrational reason for wanting to have kids, but... LOOK!

nom nom nom

And LOOK!

 

That is a CAKE!  Made to look like LEGOS!

Somebody around here better start having babies, because I am just DYING to get them all sugared up with this cute crap.

*finger on nose*

NOT IT...

Neverending Story III: Rachel vs. the Baby

Remember this little nugget?

Falcor:  I like children.

Atreyu:  ...for breakfast??

Falcor:  BWAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA

Mmmmm... tastes like chicken.

The world welcomed another little peanut yesterday morning:  new little baby cousin L is finally here, almost two weeks late to his own birth and weighing in at ten-plus pounds.  Aw!!  Just like his cousin Rachel... almost 32 whole years ago.  (Seriously kid, I'm the oldest of the grandchildren.  I am the original "been there, done that" in this family.)

Just kidding (well, sort of).  He is, of course, amazing!  So sweet and cuddly-looking and with tons of personality already; not that I expected anything less.  I won't get to see him till this weekend, but you better believe I have a bunch of fun little baby gifts all lined up already; this one is my favorite.  Also briefly considered this one one for my aunt and uncle, until I realized they are way too mature for such a gift.  

I might get it for myself, though.  Can't hurt to be prepared. 

I've entered that life phase now where bachelorette parties and drunk dials have been replaced with baby showers and calls home to the sitter.  Tons of my friends have kids already, and the ones that don't are starting to think about it.  If you're one of them:  congratulations (and for the love of God, don't ever use the phrase "we're trying" in conversation with me)!

I looooooove being Aunt Rach to my girlfriends' babies and Fun Cousin Rach to the family munchkins.  Perfect example:  A has a 15-month-old daughter who is a RIOT.  Before I moved, one of my absolute favorite things to do was to fake a sick day to have a playdate with the two of them.  Yes, really!  We'd spend a few hours playing with her toys and reading books, and when Little C crashed for a nap, A and I would park ourselves on her big squashy couch to catch up over lunchtime martinis and terrible daytime TV.  (A is also the founder of our fabulous book club, which is a future blog entry in itself.  Just writing this makes me miss her!)

But I also love going home afterward, mixing a Bloody Mary and eating a balanced dinner of Cheez-Its and gummi worms. 

Plus, I think I should probably get married first.  Call me a traditionalist, but somehow I think my Irish/German Catholic grandmas would frown on a white dress if I provided my own ring bearer. 

There's the actual pregnancy and labor to consider.  Sure, TV and movies dramatize it, but if it weren't really going to include growling like a wild animal, they probably wouldn't call it childbearing.  

And then we have the genetic wild cards I'm going to be holding.  I'm not exactly an Amazon, but I'm tallish for a girl, and J, God love him, is a wee bit on the furry side.  Cute as we both may be, there is a distinct possibility that we could end up with a sasquatch for a child.  

 

"Mamaaa!!"

Honestly, I'm a tad relieved that there's a new baby in the family... takes any heat off my sister and me.  I'll get there eventually, but for now I'm perfectly content to be the aunt that Mommy and Daddy warn their kids about.  

"Aunt Rachel was kidding when she said you were adopted...

and for God's sake, don't drink out of her 'water bottle.'"