I believe you have my stapler.

For the purposes of this entry, I'm going to assume you've seen the 1999 movie Office Space.  When I graduated from college, my friends and I all got jobs and saw this classic and then gave a collective gasp and said "oh my God, this is MY LIFE." 

Yes.  Yes it is.  From the fake-casual boss who asks about your weekend and doesn't wait to hear the answer to the coworker whose tics are enough to make you nostalgic for holidays with your family, I bet you've encountered a Bill Lumbergh, a Tom Smykowski, a pair of Bobs, a Milton once or twice in your quest for gainful employment. 

I spend eight to ten hours, five days a week, in a cube farm with 14 other people.  It's not a bad setup for the most part; there's a lot of natural light and most of us are reasonably mellow people. 

Most of us. 

One of us, however, is a little high-strung.  As luck and fate and job karma would have it, this character sits four feet to my right on the other side of a cubicle half-wall.  We started in the office around the same time so there's a sort of newbie kinship, and we have a friendly competition going to see who can waste more time.  (I'm crushing him.)

He is also a whistler. 

And a leg shaker. 

And a lip smacker. 

If there were an American Idol for whistling, this guy would be first in line at the auditions.  Sometimes it's a song; sometimes it's just a random string of notes rolling around in his skull. 

The water in the glass on my desk is rippling as I type this.  Jurassic Park-style.  It feels like my desk is stationed on one of those moving sidewalks at the airport. 

Now and then he'll take his lunch hour at his desk, and that's when I get to hear just how much he's enjoying that turkey sandwich.  Is it Cheetos, or is it Memorex?  MMMMM!! 

The Whistler, aka Tyrannosaurus Bounce, aka Baron von Munchmas, is actually a pretty nice guy.   These little quirks are more comical than anything else.  His last job was a sales gig that had him out calling on clients, so he's not used to being cooped up all day long... I honestly think he isn't even aware that he's doing it, so I'm not going to call him out on it. 

But so help me... if my stapler goes missing, I'm coming after him first.