School is in SESSION.

J and I celebrated the anniversary this weekend with a couple dates that included DQ Blizzards and a lazy Saturday afternoon matinee of Shutter Island. 

Ice cream and being scared out of my face?  That guy sure knows his audience.

 

Damn it... just looking at this makes me want another one.

But this isn't about ice cream.

The movie was fantastic.  I really like the kind of movies that keep me mentally engaged the whole time, trying to figure out what's happening or anticipate the next twist.  This one delivered on both counts, and while it wasn't jump-out-at-you-BOO scary, there is a tremendous psychological creep factor that made my skin crawl.

Mark Ruffalo!  Squee!!

But this isn't about a movie review either.

What this entry is about is a new feature here on BLBK:  lessons in common sense for the Socially or Otherwise Stunted (aka S.O.S.  Get it?). 

There are people walking among us with no sense of what constitutes socially acceptable behavior.  Hard to believe, I know!  Given the mouth-breathing specimens J and I encountered this weekend, though, I was forced to acknowledge once again that common sense is NOT, in fact, COMMON.  So let's start with some prerequisites!  Read on for descriptions of courses to be offered.

MOVI 115:  Movie Theater Manners, or "This Ain't Your Living Room, Sweetie."

We're going to the movies!  Let's get ready, shall we?

...you're not leaving the house in that, are you?  I mean, I know sweats are comfy.  Hell, I wear them almost exclusively when I'm at home on the couch.  At home.  On the couch.  Not in public places where I am sitting within spitting distance of the next person.  If you're going to insist on sweats or a tracksuit of any kind, however, I will insist that it is clean. 

And as long as we're remotely near the subject of spitting distance:  if you have any issues that may cause bodily fluids to shoot out of your nostrils/mouth/eyes/ears/wherever, please, for the love of all things Purell, stay home.  

OK.  Ticket?  Check.  Snacks and drinks?  Check aaaaand check.  (I have no issue with bringing your own; that's why God made big purses fashionable.)  Let's find a seat that does not require us to climb across the nice people who have been sitting quietly since before the lights went out.  See, there's a brief period before the previews where the lights in the theater are actually ON, and you can see where you're going without resorting to your cell phone backlight as a beacon.

Which reminds me:  now is a good time to silence your phone.  If you want to pass this class, you will turn off your ringer entirely (not just set it to vibrate) and put your phone in that big purse or your pocket for the duration of the movie.  Contrary to what you may believe, the global economy is not fueled by your texting and tweeting habits.  The universe will not come to a screeching halt if you go off the grid for two hours.  Lock it up.  Students who do not complete this assignment receive immediate failure for this class and will be required to pass PHON 121:  Cell Phone Manners, or "You're Needed In the OR, Doctor" before continuing on to other courses.

You're almost ready for the final exam, the movie itself, and our last topic to cover may well be the most important one!  The images blazing across the screen in front of you are part of a recorded film.  All these scenes?  Not happening in real time.  Similarly, the people you see talking, fighting, kissing, etc., are actors.  Playing characters.  Who cannot hear you.  Laughter, gasps and cheering are appropriate and encouraged!  Talking at full volume to the people onscreen is not.

The "shhhh" gesture is a coincidence.

Students who pass this course will be released back into the wild to enjoy movies unattended.  I caution you to avoid the typical student "brain dump" of material you've learned, however; don't think I won't rat you out.

*Instructor's note:  special thanks to the woman who sat three seats to J's right on Saturday as the inspiration for this course.  She committed all five offenses before the opening credits had run.  Bravo, madam.