Twi-not to be mad at me...

...for the unfortunate play on words in that title, as well as for the confession I'm about to make.

I jumped on the Twilight Saga bandwagon about a year ago.

I know!!  I'm sorry!  Please don't revoke my library card!  Hear me out, though; I had an excellent reason.  A reason that has since evolved into a mission.  And, really, what's more fun than a blogger with a personal agenda?

J's sister is 13.  That's 8th grade, for those of you without younger cousins, nieces, nephews, neighbors or kids of your own.  She's the youngest in their family, and has three older brothers... so naturally, she and I talk girl stuff all.the.time.  We have similar taste in colors (mainly reds, pinks and purples), in music (though my interest in Joe Jonas trends slightly less PG than hers) and in responsibility (school/work = BOO; weekends/breaks = YAY). 

It was bound to happen, then:  a Sunday afternoon curled up on the couch with snacks to watch the Twilight movie.

Let me go on record right now as saying that I can get behind the story one hundred percent.  The story is interesting enough; vampires, werewolves, blah blah blah.  The story is not where I take offense.

HOWEVER.  What about this "saga" does offend me?

Hm.  Would you like it in alphabetical order?

First, let's talk about Stephenie Meyer's writing.  Or, rather, her "writing," since she has yet to master the art of "showing, not telling."  I accept that these are intended for the tween set, and so the vocabulary and exposition are more limited than in works intended for older audiences, or in the literary classics.  Let's just get the obvious comparison out of the way right now:  JK Rowling didn't seem to have a problem creating elaborate imagery with her words (and there were seven books in her series, Steph).  Yes, Rowling created quite a bit of her own language, but... it worked.

Meyer's drivel reads like she spent $125 on a creative writing weekend seminar at the airport Marriott.  I bet she has a "Hang in There, Baby" kitten poster over her desk and gives it a thumbs-up every time she finishes a chapter.

And Stephen King agrees with me.   Rachel 1, Stephenie Meyer 0.

Having gritted my teeth through the thousand-plus pages of the first two novels, I felt like I had committed to the series, so I started in on Eclipse, the third installment.

And I can't finish it.  I tried -- DEAR GOD, I tried -- but I cannot do it.  It ends here.

I've mentioned more than once that I am the product of an all-girls high school education, and the experience was so powerful and influential that when I was offered the chance to recruit for my alma mater, I pounced on it.  (Being the director of a department at the ripe old age of 24 is not a bad gig.)

Let me be clear:  I don't hate guys.  Quite the opposite, really.  I respect and admire many men, and by now everyone knows the extent of my feelings for J.  It is absolutely possible to be an independent, confident woman and still enjoy the company and friendship of men.

Imagine my... distaste, then, for a female protagonist in constant deference to every male influence she encounters.

There is nothing wrong with a daughter helping out around the house.  Bella, however, cooks and cleans for her dad as if he is an inept fool in all matters domestic.  Charlie Swan managed to feed and clothe himself just fine without his daughter's help for more than a decade, and yet from the moment she moves in, she assumes all the "womanly" chores in the household.

Bella's best friend, Jacob Black, is moody -- even by teenage standards.  Granted, dude's going through some pretty serious stuff (come on, we all saw Teen Wolf), but he puts Bella through an emotional wringer with behavior so passive-aggressive it would make politicians cringe. 

Worst of all is her relationship with Edward Cullen.  Meyer has shaped Bella into the quintessential damsel in distress:  she clings to Edward for instruction, approval, guidance, protection... and it makes me gag.

Example:  New Moon begins with a "breakup" of sorts.  Believing that Bella is in danger around him and that the only way to protect her is to leave, Edward disappears from her life, saying it's for her own good.  She takes the news pretty hard, which makes sense (she's 17, after all; it's called a "crush" for a reason).  She finds, though, that she can conjure him in her head by making rash, dangerous decisions (motorbike racing, cliff diving), and sets on a path of self-destruction fueled by teenage lust.  (Or "lust," rather, since Meyer's Mormon beliefs dictate supreme chastity.)

Bella lets Edward dictate her comings and goings (thanks for the curfew, Dad), her friends, her studies, her interests. 

And thanks to the series' ridiculous popularity, a generation of girls is going into their adolescence and adulthood thinking that this is an acceptable example of a healthy relationship.

It infuriates me.

Meyer has defended this construct as simply the portrayal of Bella's choices.  I don't buy it.  Bella!  Sweetie!  Take a women's studies class, for crap's sake!

So when Eclipse premiered in theaters a week before my birthday this summer, J's sister was all up in my Facebook, excitedly inviting me to see it with her.   I accepted, naturally.  I mean, duh, she's fun!  But more than that, I saw it for what it was:  a tremendous opportunity to have an influence, to be a positive female role model like the ones I had (still have -- thanks Mom!).

Thank God for movie theaters.  When I couldn't keep my eye-rolling contained, at least it was under cover of darkness where J's sister wouldn't see me.  I got my fill of Taylor Lautner (I mean, I'm not made of stone here, people), she got her Cullen family fix...

...and we left the theater with tons to talk about.

Hm.

Fine.

Rachel 1, Stephenie Meyer 1.*


*...but I'll be damned if I'm going to buy the fourth book.  Suck it, Meyer! 

Getting invited to the cool kids' table ROCKS.

Yep; we did one of these not long ago (okay, like two weeks), but they're kind of fun, they help me get back into the bloggin' mood, and they're good for filler posts.  The lovely Christina over at South to Southwest tagged me in her list, and it's just bad manners not to respond when you're asked a question... so here goes!

1. What's on your Christmas wish-list?

From a sensible standpoint, gifts of a monetary nature are always welcome.  The plan is to start back to school in January, so a little boost to the checking account couldn't hurt!  But since this is Christmas we're talkin' about, and the idea is to wish for things we wouldn't ordinarily get for ourselves... I'd like sessions with a personal trainer, some fancy expensive shoes, and jewelry.  Who says no to that!?

2. Do you have any tattoos?

I do!  Two, in fact.  The first is a starfish on my hip.  My sister and I planned forever to get it right... we knew we wanted matching ones for our first foray into getting inked!  They are mirror images; mine is on my left hip, hers is on the right.  We picked a starfish because we knew we wanted something aquatic and something with a good story behind it.  Anthropologist & philosopher Loren Eiseley published a 16-page essay titled The Star Thrower in 1969, which has been adapted by motivational speakers into a "call to action" fable.  It goes something like this:  

An old man is walking the beach one morning and sees a young boy off in the distance, dancing along the water's edge.  As he draws nearer, he sees that the boy is not dancing, but instead is repeatedly bending over, picking things up one at a time, and then throwing them into the ocean.  Confused, the man asks the boy what he's doing.
"Throwing starfish into the ocean," the boy says.  "The tide's going out and if these starfish are stranded on the beach, they'll die."
"But there are hundreds of them!" the man protests.  "And the tide is going out so quickly!  How can you possibly make a difference?"
The boy thinks quietly for a moment, then bends, picks up another starfish, and flings it into the water.  
"I made a difference to that one."

It's my permanent reminder of the power of one. 

The other tattoo is a seahorse, along my rib cage on my right side.  Pirates and sailors believed seahorses were symbols of protection; they are also symbolic of grace and persistence under pressure or change.  I got it Labor Day Weekend of 2008, in keeping with my aquatic theme.  As it turned out, though, 2008 was a pretty rocky year:  I turned 30, lost a beloved grandparent, and called off my wedding all in the time between Father's Day and Thanksgiving.  I like to think there was some divine intervention at work when I decided on the seahorse; I didn't know it at the time, but I was going to need that protection, grace and persistence like never before.  

3. What's your favorite book? 
This may be one of the hardest questions for me to answer.  My response is different almost every time, depending on how I'm feeling that day.  I read just about everything, so it's hard to select just one favorite across genres, but these two always leap to the forefront.

Such a Pretty Fat, by Jen Lancaster.  A memoir that delves into chick-lit territory, this is actually her third book.  I'd recommend her entire oeuvre (and for God's sake, go read her blog), but this is the one that I found first and can relate to most, so it's at the top of my list.  

A Separate Peace, by John Knowles.  It's on almost every high school required reading list for a reason:  it's a damn good story.

4. What's your worst habit? 

Oh man; I could write a book.  Actually, that's it.  I could write a book; that is, if I could break myself of the tendency to procrastinate. The lag in my posts here is all the proof you need!

5. If you could live anywhere, where would you move to?

Right now, I'm pretty happy as-is.  I moved to the 'bus last winter (...my goodness, almost a year already?) and I am not relishing the thought of another move any time soon.  I love central Ohio; it's got everything I could want or need.  We have four seasons:  Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter, and Road Construction.  We have big city excitement and a small-town sense of community.  We have world-class dining and shopping (seriously; the world HQ for the entire Limited Brands roster is 15 miles from my apartment).  

I love the Carolinas, though.  That's where my favorite vacations have been and where I want to take my own children someday... that's where my heart would move me.  

6.  Have you ever met any celebrities?

Run-ins with famous people??  Now you're speakin' my language, sister!!  I saw Neil Diamond in the Nashville airport once; I waited for an autograph (and got one) after a Chris Isaak show; most recently, I was onsite for the taping of an episode of Food Feuds with Iron Chef Michael Symon (look for me in the crowd on the SkyWay/Swenson's burger battle episode, set to air on Thanksgiving night!).

But the most awesome encounter with celebrity was in 1999:  I was home for the summer before the start of my senior year at Miami, and... you know what?  Words don't do it justice.  I'll dig up the picture and post it here; it's totally worth the wait.  

7. What is your guilty pleasure food?

YES.  Kidding!  (Sort of.)  I like to try new things whenever I can, but if it's comfort and familiarity I'm looking for, it's this:

Fritos plus Lawson's Chip Dip = best salty fattening snack EVER.

It has to be Lawson's.  Northeast Ohio kids will totally back me up on this.

8. What is your all time favorite picture of you?

I love this picture.  I am having a fabulous hair night, my smile is killer... oh, and the guy is pretty much the love of my life, so that one more for the "pro" column.

So there we have it.  Fun stuff!

Don't worry:  we'll get back to "real" posts ASAP.  I have a bunch of ideas already in the works....

Cheater cheater, candy corn eater.*

Phew.  This return to blogging is going to take some adjustment.  I swear I have a ton of fun (read:  snarky) things to tell you!  I just picked a busy couple days to pick up where I left off.  

Luckily, the ever-funny Kelly over at Dare to be Domestic created a post not long ago playing the popular "get to know ya" questions game.  Ta-daaaa!  Daily entry saved!  Have at it.

1. What is your lucky number?

I'm goin' with 7.  Sure, lots of people claim 7 as their lucky number, but my birthday is July 7th... um, hello?  7/7, I win!

2. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Wow.  I wasn't aware that I'd be turning my blog into a job interview today.  Sneaky!

...ah, what the hell.  I can use the practice.  

*ahem*

Given the current state of the U.S. economy, I believe it's difficult, if not impossible, to look ahead more than 18 months.  I'd like to spend the next year and a half exploring the ways I can contribute to this company blog, using the time to grow my plans along with our its success. 

Psshhhh.  Hey suckers:  I was a public relations major for a reason, baby!  There's plenty more where that came from!  (Tuition dollars at work, darlings.  Also?  If you thought that was good, then you DEFINITELY need to read Bitter is the New Black by Jen Lancaster.)

3. What is your favorite song of all time?

Ooooh.  Of all time?  This one's tough.  I don't know that I have a favorite favorite!  Don't make me pick!  It's like Sophie's Choice up in here, except with music so it's for serious.  Can I go top three?

Wait.  Why am I asking?  It's my blog; I don't need permission!

"Falling for the First Time" by Barenaked Ladies.  BNL has been my favorite band for more than a decade, and this song just feels exactly like love!

"Lover, You Should've Come Over" by Jeff Buckley.  Breaks my heart, and yet makes me so happy, both at the same time.  Just a beautiful, bittersweet ache of a song.

"Not Ready to Make Nice" by the Dixie Chicks.  Political overtones aside, Natalie Maines is one ballsy chick.  I want her on my side.

4. Do you love football? Who's your team?

I... don't love football.  And given that J had a football scholarship to college, and that we live in Columbus, Ohio, home of the currently-ranked #2 team... well, let's just say that it's a damn good thing I love fall as much as I do, because otherwise?  It'd be a long, long season.

5. What's your most cherished item?

I thought of a few that could fit the bill here, and they were all photos.  What does that tell us!?  The best one, though, is the picture of J and me that my friend A snapped on a whim.  You can see it here.  I love it because it's just so... us.  Neither of us is wearing the "camera-ready smile" or sucking in our stomachs or saying cheeeeeeeeeeeese; we're just happy and totally in the moment together.

6. If you had 24 hours to live, how would you spend them?

I'd want a fantastic meal; tremendous, earth-shattering, soul-shaking sex; and the chance to say goodbye to my most cherished people.  Not necessarily in that order. 

7. Were you named after anyone?

Nope.  Well, not anyone we know and/or are related to.  But I spell my name the same way as the biblical Rachel (total trump card if I ever get to meet Rachael Ray)!  And my middle name is Leigh... which I choose to trace back to Vivien Leigh... and God knows she and I both have the flair for the melodrama... so I'm going to count it. 

I feel fairly certain that, had Scarlett had a Sassy Gay Friend, the curtain-dress could have been avoided.

8. What is your can't live without beauty product?

Oh my God.  Easiest question ever.  I'm a sucker for a gimmick anyway, but this L'Oreal Go 360 face wash?  IS FREAKING GENIUS!!  Pop the little scrubby out, splash splash, scrub scrub, mmmm smells gooooood, stash it back in the handy little holding place, see ya in 16 hours scrubby!!

So there we are.  Stay tuned for tomorrow's entry, in which our heroine takes on a pop culture phenomenon and totally blows your mind!

*Today's evidence of being rad:  there is candy corn in the house once again (yay fall!); I told J he was eating it wrong... and then demonstrated how to make a grill out of the yellow ends.  Sadly, I ate the masterpiece before it could be captured on film. 

When last we met our heroine...

"Welcome back from obscurity, Rach!"

"Why, thank you, Rach."

"So... been a while, huh?  What's been going on in your fabulous life?"

"Oh, man.  Where to begin?..."

It was never my intention to abandon the blog.  I just... got busy, is all.  

*snort*  

Fine, yeah, in that way, but also in the general sense that life and family and work and all those other important things started demanding more of my time and attention, and my writing took kind of a backseat.  I've been dabbling here and there (like the fiction I write every month when I pay bills, HEY-OHHHH!!), but simply haven't had the time for a dedicated daily post.

To quote an obscure bit from an old Sinbad stand-up routine:  "some things got to CHANGE around here!!"

"I can't wait to meet him!  I hope he's wearing something made out of windbreaker!"

Charlie Kelly (Charlie Day), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, 
"Dennis Reynolds: An Erotic Life"

There have been a ton of highlights in the last six months!  There's been a low point or two, to be fair, but on the whole it's been a terrific year and I'm looking forward to recapping it here for posterity.  I'll cover the important stuff in bits and pieces in future posts.  

FIrst things first, though:  I've decided to come back to the writing to help keep my sanity intact, to stay in practice... and to keep sharp the skills I'm going to need in my next big adventure!  A busy six months in the totally unglamorous world of higher education has led me to a pretty big self-discovery.  

Y'all, I finally know what I want to be when I grow up!  

I've decided to go back to school to get my teaching license for middle school language arts.

I love academic advising.  Telling people what to do?  Huh; let me think ab- OKAY YES I CAN DO THAT.  However, after three different roles at as many universities, I can safely say that a career at the university level is not for me.  I loved college, as many of us did, for the experience that it was:  learning, sure, but also the 1 a.m. mud-sliding on the quad, the genesis of many a TV-and-takeout tradition and the silly Sunday morning "reconstruction" conversations that helped us figure out just what we had done the night before... 


...and that's why I can't work in the field.  I loved my Miami days so much!  The very last thing I want is for those memories to become overshadowed by administrative red tape and interoffice politics. 

More to the point, though:  I love the English language.  Sure, I take some liberties with it here and there when it’s acceptable –- Facebook status updates are so much easier to type in all lowercase –- but I cannot abide the pandemic abuse of grammar, spelling, pronunciation and structure.

It murders my soul, people.  

And that brings me to today's guilty pleasure -- it is Wednesday, after all!

For a while now, I've been posting pictures of egregious, public mistakes in a Facebook photo album, complete with snarky commentary.  It's been a hit with my friends and even has led one of them to brand me as her Grammar Girl (a responsibility I do not take lightly).  I've resorted to carrying a red Sharpie in my purse:  woe to the person careless with his syntax!

I will cut you. 

The other thing I'm going to relish about teaching?  Sure, I get to tell people what to do for a living now, but just imagine the power I'll be able to wield once I've got a classroom full of little monsters!  

Yep.  Me and Lady Gaga:  we've got big plans for the future of America's youth.

The wearin' o' the green!

Top o' the marrrrnin' to ye, kids!

How lovely and convenient that St. Patrick's Day falls on a Wednesday... perfect timing for some guilty pleasures, eh?

Green Beer Day is right up there with my all-time favorite and most shameless indulgences!  I still have the t-shirts from my four years of participation... and I'm seriously considering the J.Brew one as an "alumni contribution" to one of Oxford's grandest traditions.  Mock our popped collars, our North Face jackets and our SUVs all you want; our nickname's famous and we're not mad about it.

The word shenanigans is another good one.  It's one of my favorite words and today is a perfect day to use it with abandon!  Surprisingly, the origin of the word is uncertain; it may be related to the Irish sionnach ("fox") but it's also been tied to German and even Spanish roots.  

Whatever.  The source doesn't much matter to me; what's really important is that when J and I use it, it means something fun and funny and possibly a tiny bit irresponsible is afoot!  

Plus it's in one of the funniest bits of movie dialogue ever:

"I swear to God I'm going to pistol whip the next guy who says shenanigans."
"Hey Farva - what's the name of that restaurant you like with all the goofy shit on the walls and the mozzarella sticks?"
"You mean Shenanigans?"
"Oooooooooooh...!!"

- Captain O'Hagan, Mac, Farva & Thorny (Brian Cox, Steve Lemme, Kevin Heffernan & Jay Chandrasekhar), Super Troopers

 

Today's greatest guilty pleasure, however, may well be this beloved cult classic:

 

 

Behold:  the elusive SHAMROCK SHAKE!  

 

What is it about this beverage/dessert/frosty nirvana that makes it so irresistible?  

 

Is it the hint o' mint flavor?  The awesome color?  The fact that it's only available for a few short weeks and only "at participating locations?"  All of the above?!  Hard to say... all I know is that I have about twelve hours left to get me some!

Happy St. Patty's to all of you! 

An open letter

Dear white collar workers of America (more specifically, of my office),

We're not here to make new BFFs.  It certainly helps that we all get along, of course:  after the Mean Girls-esque office I just left, I'm telling you God's honest truth when I say that I appreciate your humor and good nature more than the average bear.  

We don't all have to be sleepover friends who will braid each other's hair and stay up late prank-calling the boys we like. We do, however, need to respect each other's space, and that's what drives me to write this letter. 

I'm glad you feel you can come in to visit while you're on maternity leave.  Who doesn't love to see a brand new little munchkin (if only to renew her gratitude for her currently child-free lifestyle)?  You look fabulous, by the way, and who wouldn't?  Three months away from the office would do anyone a bit of good. 

A lot has changed in your absence; most notably, the renovations are complete and we've moved into our new space, affectionately known as the cube farm.  Bear in mind, please, that although our new walls stop about four feet short of the ceiling, our cubicles are still our offices.  And while you are on a break from your responsibilities here, the rest of us are not... plus, some of us are picking up your slack.  

When you gather with a group at my cube wall for a loud, lengthy conversation about the baby's sleeping habits and eating habits and how your husband tries God bless him ha ha ha, you are not magically made invisible by the metal and plywood between us.  You are less than three feet away from me; I can see you, and moreover, I can hear you, and so can the person on my phone who actually stopped midsentence to ask "...is that a baby crying?  Where are you?"

The bottom line is that while your little guy is certainly darling and yes, you are fortunate to have a healthy, happy child... not everyone is as fascinated by him as you are.  Congratulations again on the baby; now please go home and enjoy the rest of your leave. 

Sincerely,

Rach

An aside to any potentially offended readers:  yes, I know that maternity leave is not "vacation."  Being a mom is a bigger job than anything I'm doing here, and can be more thankless as well... but if your home is your office, you don't see me bringing files into the baby's nursery to return phone calls and hold open office hours...

The proverbial other shoe

Look at me, all over the shoe theme!

Today's post:  the exciting (?) conclusion of my list of 25 Things You Must Commit To Memory. 

14.  I will not work on my birthday.  Ever.  I think I got used to having the day off for it when I was in school, and then when my career took me back into education, it just stuck.  I started my new job a couple months ago and one of the first things I did was to stake out that day on the vacation calendar.

15.  I.  Love.  Sandwiches.

 "What is Joey's favorite food?"

"Sandwiches!"

Ross & Monica (David Schwimmer & Courteney Cox), Friends, "The One with the Embryos"

I love 'em.  A BLT is damn near a perfect food.  My panini press is my favorite kitchen appliance.  I'm also a big fan of creating my own combos.  Creamy peanut butter pairs surprisingly well with some weird stuff... crisp dill pickle chips; salty, smoky crumbled bacon; extra sharp cheddar cheese.  Yeah, I know:  it sounds gross and makes you wonder if I'm pregnant, but it's not and I'm not!

16.  Speaking of NOT KNOCKED UP I SWEAR, I don't have the baby fever just yet, buuuuuuut... I'm fairly certain I'm going to be a kickass mom.  I'm one of those people who genuinely enjoys being around her family and I'm excited to pass that along.  The best part (J please stop reading for a sec) is that J is the same way; his two brothers are his best friends and all three of them are fiercely protective of their little sister... so it's like I already know he'd be good at it too.  (OK J, safe to start reading again.  Thanks love!) 

17.  The reason I don't have the baby fever is that I enjoy being the combination superhero/bad influence far too much for now!  Exhibit A:  I may or may not have bought a drum set for a five year-old once.  Just saying.

They were Spider-Man drums, which made them even MORE badass.  

If a five year-old could say badass without getting scolded.

18.  I read a lot.  A LOT.  At last count I had more than 175 books.  (It was super fun to move them to the new place.)  I dated a guy in college who finally stopped going to bookstores with me because "we walk in and [my] eyes glaze over and [I] stop paying attention to [him]."  My shelves hold classics, chick lit, historical fiction, memoirs... the occasional guide to "bettering yourself"... and they're all embossed with my "from the library of" seal. 

19.  Speaking of that name embosser:  I love my middle name.  I am very particular about how it's spelled; my way is lovely and classic and the other is not.  Get it right.

20.  I almost got married once.  Like, "two weeks to the Big Day" almost.  Not going through with it was, at once, the scariest and bravest decision I've had to make in my entire life.  He's a good guy... just not the good guy for me.

21.  That little factoid is what I meant when I wrote in the first half of this list that it's nice to start fresh.  Yes, it was a big deal once upon a time, but now it's just something that happened.

22.  Runaway Bride is one of my all-time favorite movies.  *SIGH*  OK, peanut gallery, knock yourselves out.

23.  I went to an all-girls high school.  AND I LOVED IT.  We made t-shirts that said "Panther Football:  Undefeated Since 1923!!"  We didn't bother with daily make-up and ponytails were the de facto hairstyle.  More than that, though, we were immersed in an environment where women held the leadership roles.  We could ask questions without worrying what some boy would think; we were encouraged to push ourselves and stretch past the status quo.  When I got to college, not only was I incredibly well-prepared for the academics, but also, I realized that I was equipped to hold my own in any social setting... which is more than I could say for some girls, used to deferring to guys.  I know the Elms is largely responsible for my savage independent streak!

24.  Sure, it was all girls during the school day... but that didn't stop me from going to four different senior proms, at four different schools, with four different dates.  HEY-OHHHH!

25.  Live theater brings me to tears every time.  I've seen The Phantom of the Opera, RENT, Wicked, Les Miserables, The Lion King, Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat... and the list of shows to see is growing as quickly as I can cross them off!

Phew.  So there you have it.  Hope you enjoyed Volume Two!

Open season!

A quick one to kick off the weekend right:

My toes are out today!  Open toe shoe weather has finally arrived!

 

Yeah, I know this is a repeat pic, but it's hard to be a bitch when your feet look this cute.  Have a good one kids!

"Huh. Surprised you didn't know that."*

If you've got a Facebook page or a MySpace account, you've encountered the meme floating out there on the interwebs that asks you to catalog 25 things about yourself that people may not know.  I wasn't going to resort to this, but I see that a few other bloggers have already done it, so I figured eh... what the hell.  Problem is, I'm a) a little strapped for time, 2) wary of boring the handful of readers I have and d) lazy,** so I'm only going to list half of them today. 

Without further ado... all kinds of crap about me!

1.  I am totally a city girl.  I love the charm of small towns; I went to college in one and I can't imagine having had it any other way... but I love the bustle and noise and crowds of a big city.  It's what keeps me from getting too homesick, now that I live in my fair state's capital.  I love driving out of the city, seeing the skyline in my rearview mirror and being able to pick out the individual buildings.

2.  As much as I love the 'bus, though, I love my 'Rowdy hometown.  No, I mean, I love it.  It is frequently misrepresented and misunderstood, but then again, most great things are.  You just need the right tour guide to get a true sense of the place.  Are you a Cleveland Cavs fan... or a basketball fan in general... or alive at all?  You may have heard of a guy named LeBron James.  Yeah:  dude went to high school four miles down the street from me.  Are those Goodyear tires on your car?  Hello, WORLD HEADQUARTERS.  It was a terrific place to grow up and I'm proud to come from there.

3.  One of the most refreshing things about moving here has been the fact that I'm starting with a clean slate.  I have friends here, and of course J's here, but other than that, very few people know my backstory... with the result that I have the remarkable opportunity to start fresh in my 30s.

4. J and I have known each other for just about our entire lives. His mom's family lived down the street from my dad's family when they were little; his dad and my uncle have been BFFs since grade school. It took us three decades to get together as a couple, though, and it was 100% worth the wait. On our first date, we were all chatty and catch-uppy, and when I got up to go to the ladies' room, the bartender smiled at J and said "so, second date's going well, huh?"  So cute.

5.  My sister and I are incapable of having a conversation without using lines of movie dialogue.  It's a sickness, really, but it's hilarious. 

6.  Speaking of her, I just recently (like, this week), admitted that I'm getting old, when I made a couple references to some old cartoons and she had no memory of them whatsoever.  I mean, sure, it was old when I saw it for the first time, but GOD, please tell me someone else out there has seen and/or remembers this!

7.  And speaking of old, I'm also the oldest grandchild on both sides of our family.  I got to do everything first until I was 24, when one of the cousins got married.  Others soon followed suit, and now I love that I'm one of the last holdouts!

8.  Red is my favorite color to wear.  I think it's partially due to my loyalty to Miami, but it's also because it takes balls to wear and the effect on people is terrific.  It could be a dress, shoes, lipstick... people want to be around a woman in red.

9.  I want Rachel McAdams to play me in the movie about my life.  She's got the name thing down and she.  Is.  Darling.

Cute much?!

10.  Given that I've worked for three universities, and that I've enjoyed those three jobs more than anything else I've done with my career, I have no choice but to concede to my mom's long-held opinion that I'm an educator at heart and I belong in this field.  I'm not about to make crazy money, but I need a cause, not just a job. 

11.   One of my favorite things to do with J and our friends is game night.  Apples to Apples, UNO, The Game of Things, whatever... it's like being a kid, but with beer this time!

12.  I have a ridiculous gift for remembering names.  It was a huge advantage when I was a recruiter; I'd meet a student once and then be able to address them by name four months later.  It got to be a running joke in the office and my colleagues started calling me Rain Man (except, you know, in a nice way).

13.  I love dogs, and cats are a close second, but the way I see it?  If I'm going to put that kind of time and energy and attention and cash into another living creature, it's going to be a kid.  It's one of the first things J and I agreed on:  we like impromptu happy hour and sleeping in wayyyyyyy more than we like picking up poop that's not our own. 

That's enough for now!  A future post will have the other half of the list. 



*Tommy Callahan (Chris Farley), Tommy Boy
**"A..., 2..., and D..." is from Home Alone***

***See?!

A fond farewell to one of Hollywood's true Lost Boys

Corey Haim, we hardly knew ye.

It's old news by now, but no less sad:  the cuter of The Two Coreys was pronounced dead early this morning of a suspected overdose.  Whether it was accidental or intentional remains to be seen, but either way... wow.  Senseless and totally preventable.

Celebrity gossip is one of my biggest guilty pleasures, particularly when it's in the form of best- and worst-dressed lists and highlights from awards show red carpets.  It's also useful as a quick pick-me-up when I'm feeling sorry for myself.  At least I can wear false eyelashes without looking like a drag queen!

It can be a bummer, though, when it turns ugly and transforms a human being into a walking punchline, as this journalist notes. 

My middle school crush on the Coreys was over almost as soon as it began, a supernova of hormones, exclamation "perfume" and Teen Beat magazine covers.  Every now and then, though, it's refreshing to remember a time when my most urgent conflict in life focused on finding room for the new posters without having to rearrange the old ones.  

Happy Wednesday, gang!  Halfway to the weekend!

mmm, smells like 7th grade!

P.S.  All you '80s kids out there might be interested in this Top Five List.  FYI:  you're going to have to fight me for Target's last copy of License to Drive.  

P.P.S.  These things happen in threes, right?  First Boner from Growing Pains, now half of the Coreys... my money's on Gary Coleman for the trifecta.

It's the most wonderful time of the year

I left my coat at home for the first time today!  And drove with the windows down!

It can only mean one thing:  spring is really here.  Sure, Ohio's been known to get a snowstorm in April, so we're not totally out of the woods yet, but it's hard to care when the clock-thermometer at the bank says 60 degrees in March.

I love the sunshine, the smell in the air, the buds on the trees and flowers... but what I love most is that spring kicks off my absolute favorite season.

It's Festival Season, kids!

One of the stereotypes of Midwestern living is that we'll celebrate anything with a festival.  My hometown and the surrounding area alone are host to a ton of fun weekends, with "guests of honor" that include (but of course, are not limited to):

Cherry Blossoms

Kite and Flight

Hamburgers (Akron claims to be is the birthplace of the burger!)

...and of course, the rib burn-offs and ethnic festivals that almost every city hosts.  Watch the Irish dance troupes one weekend, scarf up homemade cannoli the next, take a week off and then come back to mariachi bands and taco trucks! 

And oh, God, the people-watching.  Unbelievable.  These celebrations are the great equalizer of humanity.  Where on earth are you going to a toothless trailer park family rubbing elbows with a Fortune 500 exec?  In the line for a funnel cake, that's where. 

My new town played host to the annual spectacle that is The Arnold Sports Festival this past weekend.  It's the largest annual multi-sport event nationwide, and MAN, is it gross.  Congratulations to the winners... now please go away.

Start planning your summers!

"Congratulations, Universe: you win."*

I was thinking about the blog this weekend, and it occurred to me that I may come across as a bit of a complainer from time to time, and that is really not the intention.  It's kind of the opposite, actually.  I love my life and I love my 30s and I'm happy and lucky to be here and not dead or institutionalized or in jail after some of the crazy shit I pulled in my 20s.  

BUT.

Sometimes, the Universe leaves me no choice but to add to the List.  

You know which list I'm talking about.  

Everyone has one.  People who say otherwise are just big fat lying liars who lie.  I'm talking about the running tally you keep in your head of the people, places, things and circumstances that just drive you right over the edge.  

Nervous Nelly snow drivers, for one (except you Deena, hugs & kisses!).  Movie talkers, for another. And these two winners from the weekend... read on:

1.  Random girl in a tube top in March:  Sweetie:  no.  I know it's sunny out.  We're all happy to see some sunshine after what feels like forever in the gray gloom of a Midwest winter.  It is still entirely too early in the season for your sartorial choice.  I almost had to commit my own fashion faux pas of sunglasses indoors to protect my corneas from the glare off your pasty shoulders.

There are two types of people who wear their sunglasses indoors:  blind people and a-holes.  Which are you?

Play nice and cover those up until April, please.  Or, if you must leave the house like that, allow me to introduce you to my friend self-tanner (although you may want to avoid the Corey Hart Oompa Loompa look, above).  

 

2.  Jay-rusalem & Silent Bible:  Ladies, I can appreciate that you're into your church.  Fine.  Good for you.  If you catch me in the right mood and environment, sure, I'll talk faith with you.  The shoe department at Target?  Is not the right environment.  If you're speaking to me here, it better be to compliment my taste in footwear.  Otherwise:  pipe down.

And the Lord saw the woman's choice of shoes, and He was pleased.

Hrmph.

Tomorrow:  less snark, more sass.  There is too a difference!

*Jim Halpert (John Krasinski), The Office, "The Return" (Season 3, Episode 13)

You can take the girl out of Catholic school...

Heh.  Bet that got your attention.  

Here's the thing:  I love to bake.  What's not to love, really?  It's soothing and gratifying and makes the house smell great, and you can eat it. 

The problem is that I'm not that big into eating the results.  I don't really have a sweet tooth; a pint of Ben & Jerry's will last me a month.  (Salt is another story.)  And with baking, you can't ever make just one cupcake or cookie or brownie... you end up with a whole mess of them.  Given that one of my posts last week was all about healthy eating, I should probably practice what I preach. 

But the lure of those cutie pie Cookie Monster cupcakes from earlier in the week was just too much to resist!  

So I did a little research and found an outlet for my Betty Crocker urges.  The Catholic parish I belong to here in the 'bus hosts Friday night fish fry dinners during Lent, and they're always looking for donations in the form of dessert.

ENTER RACHEL!  Check me out:

They don't look exactly like the other pic (that's right: they're cuter) but I was still pretty satisfied with how they turned out.  J wasn't complaining, that's for damn sure!  My sister Erin even said "ugh, you kind of make me want to barf, in a good way."  I could have stopped there, but I was on a roll, and I upped the ante with a batch of red velvet cupcakes too.

I drove extra carefully on the way to work this morning, so as not to disturb the trays of sugar shock in my backseat, planning on a lunch hour delivery.  

And I made it all the way to the church parking lot before it happened. 

I didn't see the pothole, and I took the turn a little too fast, and my little tank came to a stop faster than I intended... and a dozen cupcakes ended up on my car floor.  Frosting side down, natch.  I heard the smush before I saw the damage, and I shouted - no, I shrieked:

Ohhhhhhhhh fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuudge. 

Only I didn't say fudge.  I said the word, the big one, the queen mother of dirty words, the f-dash-dash-dash word.*

And that is precisely when I realized that the church shares its parking lot with the parish school, and that it was noon recess, and that approximately ninety grade school kids were outside romping around in the sunshine.

Boy, nothing brings a game of Red Rover to a halt like a woman yelling obscenities.



*Ralphie (Peter Billingsley), A Christmas Story

In like...

...this kid:

Aw!

YOU GUYS.  There was sunshine today!  And chirpy little birds all over the place, and clear skies, and I swear it even smelled like spring out there.

It's so much easier to be nice to people when the weather cooperates, isn't it?  I had a full schedule of student appointments today and not ONCE did I vow to drink my lunch.  (To be fair, it's a dry campus so that makes the vow a little easier, but still.)  Even the street people that usually lurk around our building were pleasant. 

Really, though.  How can you not feel like a nicer person with this

 

and this

 

and this

going on around you!?

Fingers crossed that the other half of the adage just kind of forgets to show up.  Easter egg hunts aren't nearly as fun in a blizzard.  (Plus there's the whole Twilight saga connection to the lion and lamb imagery, and I would very much prefer not to have to address that issue.)

Hope it was nice today, wherever you are! 

Lean Cuisine can suck it.

I knew I shouldn't have gloated about my late mornings last week.

All hell broke loose at the office today... half an hour before I was due to go home.  

Of course it did.

When I finally found sanctuary at J's place, I was greeted with the homey smell of garlic bread wafting from the oven, [lowfat turkey] meatballs simmering in sauce, and a glass of pinot noir waiting for me by "my spot" on the couch.  Awesome.

Totally shameless 100% NON-guilty pleasure numero uno:  anytime J cooks dinner.

 Crisis averted!

I'm gonna need a bigger Easy Bake Oven.

"I'm gonna be the mom that makes the world's best chocolate chip cookies!"

"Our kids are gonna be fat, aren't they."

Monica & Chandler (Courteney Cox & Matthew Perry), Friends, "The One With Phoebe's Cookies"

All right.  I will be the first to admit that this is ridiculous and a completely selfish and irrational reason for wanting to have kids, but... LOOK!

nom nom nom

And LOOK!

 

That is a CAKE!  Made to look like LEGOS!

Somebody around here better start having babies, because I am just DYING to get them all sugared up with this cute crap.

*finger on nose*

NOT IT...